The Battle of Five Armies

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Candy Kane
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The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Candy Kane » Fri Jan 09, 2015 12:12 am

Warning: spoilers :bad:

So I went to see The Battle of Five Armies just before Christmas. A rip-roaring fantasy action film, it's got a fiery dragon (check), hot heroes (check), Billy Connolly as a warlike Dwarf lord with an epically awesome war beast (check. I want one!), Elf acrobatics (check) and teh LURRRRRVE, baby (check). :8

I have to say, the Tauriel thread annoys me. :wtf: She's simply not believable as the captain of the guard because she doesn't really act like a soldier, or even a guard. There's more to soldiering and guarding than slaying Orcs, you know. The military mentality of loyalty to king and country, to kith and kin, and to The Cause just isn't there. It's easier to "buy" her as a serving maid or perhaps a healer because she is so owned by her emotions. The fact that she fell for a Dwarf who was, okay, hot (there, I said it!) pretty much because she felt sorry for him and wanted to protect him was just weird. When Elves mate with outsiders it's generally with heroes who have proved themselves. Kili was struck with a Morgul blade and Needed To Be Saved From Certain Death. Uh, that's not impressive. :?

Is she trying to make Legolas jealous and force him to choose between obedience to his emotionally crippled dad (watch it to see what I mean) or the desires of his heart? :2confused:

Fan fiction writers will be salivating over the Great Elf/Dwarf Love Triangle for decades to come. *Groan* This is how bad it is: I've already begun to imagine a young Aragorn getting involved... Worry not, I'm too busy working (and doing overtime) to type this stuff out. But damn, it would be angsty, Precioussss... AAAAARRRRGH! Somebody stop me, quick! :roll: :paperbag: :redeyeroll:

:bang: Bard the Bowman is pretty good in his scenes but honestly, I found the kids annoying. They occasionally help but mostly get in the way, providing a handy vehicle for Bard's heroics. As for Lickspittle and the Town Master, you'll have to watch the film to find out what Jackson does with them. It's suitably amusing. :P

:yay: That said, I can't wait till the inevitable Special Extended Edition comes out. I will of course be drooling over the set pieces in Laketown as it burns, the battle with the Dragon, Thorin's descent into madness (echoes of ROTK here), the White Council's battle with Sauron and the Nine, and the epic battle of All The Monsters with Everybody Else. Elf liberties are taken, swords are drawn, arrows are shot, and butts are royally kicked on every side. :yay:

As for the ending, we got a proper one this time. :bday:

Peter Jackson is evidently more at home with whimsy, set pieces, and action than the intricacies of relationships and that's where the flaws are. I'll give The Battle of Five Armies three and a half out of five because it strayed pretty far from the original source material and I'm a pedant where fidelity to the spirit of the work is concerned. The half is for the White Council fight scene (though it's not long enough. There had better be more of it in the Special Extended Edition). The three is for lots of lovely, beautifully choreographed fight scenes with amazingly rendered monsters.

The Battle of Five Armies is great fun and highly recommended for its visual beauty and the excellent action scenes. As a prequel, it does the job well but if you're a purist you'll be picking nits till Kingdom come.
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby shireling » Fri Jan 09, 2015 1:41 pm

You know, I wasn't all that interested in seeing it, but now I want to :) .
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Halasian » Wed Feb 18, 2015 2:54 am

I went to see it and all I have to say is it isn't the worst PJ has treated Middle Earth.
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Padfoot » Wed Feb 18, 2015 3:18 pm

I've pre-ordered the DVD (estimated date of arrival: April 23rd). Still no cinema showing it in 2D, only 3D available, and that's not for my eyes...
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Candy Kane
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Candy Kane » Wed Feb 18, 2015 7:44 pm

I'm holding out for the Special Extended Edition. WANT! I'll just have to make do with clips like this for now.

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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby shireling » Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:58 pm

All the dwarves looked like they were having the time of their lives, except Thorin. And Martin owned Bilbo. I just wish that PJ could have pretended to have been as broke and unsure of resources as he was for LOTR.

It mirrored the journey for the destruction of the One Ring, and there was little reliance on CGI simply because there weren't the funds. Did you know that they had to look for another Aragorn because they'd cast too young for the part? And Viggo didn't even audition. His first day of shooting was Weathertop, and he's there, sword and torch in hand, and kickin' Wraith arse right, left and center - there are so many stories that should be written down about the making of these films. They had to recycle Orc bits - literally melt down and remold parts to save money. No wonder PJ put on the weight - he's a stress eater, and he did that with Hobbit as well, but not for the same reasons.

A lot of hard work went into these things I don't doubt, but as much as I wanted to love these movies, I just think that so much more could have been done with less...
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Candy Kane » Thu Feb 19, 2015 11:20 pm

People always do their best work when they're hungry and trying to prove themselves. In The Hobbit, Jackson knew he'd arrived and got a little self-indulgent. Like a lot of geeks, he fantasizes about strong, sexy women who ultimately sublimate themselves to men; that's why Tauriel throws her career away (I really need to get back to that fic) for Kili, that's why he wanted Arwen kicking Orc arse in a red dress.

I'm glad that didn't happen, I saw the deleted scene and it totally emasculated Aragorn, making it look like he couldn't fight by himself. I do wish we'd had Elladan and Elrohir in it, though.

The Hobbit (original) is basically a sausagefest and it did need some female presence in there but in some parts it seems more like bad fanfiction than a lovingly rendered movie tribute to Tolkien. Had it been up to me, Kili would have fancied Tauriel, who might have teased him a bit but ultimately was in love with Leggy-poos... who sees her more as a daughter because she's so much younger than him and besides, he was her mentor so it's a bit weird, like when your daughter says, "I want to marry Daddy when I grow up." Thranduil, needless to say, would have exploited this to keep them from becoming lovers.

Or we could have had Bard as a town guard as he was in the books, hopelessly head over heels in love with a local bigwig's daughter but his current low status, despite his noble origins, mean Their Love Can Never Be — until he becomes King of Dale. I would have him mooning over her, puppy-like, and perhaps she likes him too but is unwilling to run away. Daddy makes a crack along the lines of, "You can wed her when you're King of Dale, Bowman," and Bard says, "I'll hold you to that" in a fit of pique, though ultimately honour demands that he serve the Master even though he's a prat. So... Smaug takes a header into the lake, Bard is made king and he reminds Daddy of his comment. Daddy must agree or lose face... wedding cake for all!

If PJ could just let go of geek tropes and think about how relationships ACTUALLY work in real life instead of in fiction, we could have had a better trilogy. As it is, I'm trying to think of a way to work the Dwarves bathing and having food fights at Rivendell into Tauriel's exile thread, the idea that she discovers that her ideal of him is light years away from the boisterous, leering Jack-the-lad he actually was, bearing in mind that Elrond is pretty tolerant. However, Lindir is still annoyed about them nicking the silver...

This stuff pretty much writes itself!
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby shireling » Fri Feb 20, 2015 1:55 pm

Candy, PJ needed you by his side something fierce. Somebody to shout, "OH, HELL NO!" at regular intervals. You are the very voice of reason, lady...

And, yes, more fic, please! :) *waits patiently*
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Candy Kane » Sun Feb 22, 2015 3:21 pm

I wish I had been there... still, I think he did pretty well. The books can get a bit silly in places and I would have cringed at people bursting into song every once in a while, Disney-style.
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby shireling » Tue Feb 24, 2015 12:05 am

Candy Kane wrote:I wish I had been there... still, I think he did pretty well. The books can get a bit silly in places and I would have cringed at people bursting into song every once in a while, Disney-style.

See, I would love that :lol: ! Then I'd know the melodies, and they'd get stuck in my head :D .

Actually, I think Walt stole that whole idea from the Professor.
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Candy Kane » Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:37 pm

Hmmm... is it bad that I can imagine it as a Disney-style cartoon?
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby shireling » Wed Feb 25, 2015 12:33 am

I really don't think so, especially since these were animated long before the films were even a possibility. The Bass/Rankin version of The Hobbit came out in 1977 (I was working 3-11 as a nurse, and watching bits as I went from patient to patient room.) Lots of singing in that - even the goblins get into it.

And then there's Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings (1978.) As soon as we watched it together and saw Frodo, my husband looked at me and said, "Whoa - who does that remind you of?" It could have been Elijah Wood then (except he wasn't born yet.) There's some singing in that, too, but not as much as The Hobbit or The Return of the King (1980); in that they even have a rendition of "Frodo of the Nine Fingers".

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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby TomCotton » Wed Feb 25, 2015 1:33 pm

I kinda remember those Rankin/Bass and Bakshi animated films. Wizards too, sorta.
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby Candy Kane » Wed Feb 25, 2015 6:13 pm

Heh! Are they any good, though? I've toyed with the idea of watching them, but never put the time in.
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Re: The Battle of Five Armies

Postby shireling » Thu May 14, 2015 5:55 pm

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I always wondered what brand of laptop a wizard would use...
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"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." - Aeschylus


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