Steve of the Rings: a parody of bad Tolkien fanfiction

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Keith
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Steve of the Rings: a parody of bad Tolkien fanfiction

Postby Keith » Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:31 pm

This was posted on the old board, having originally developed from an RPG that started on the board before that. A fanfic author decides to rewrite Lord of the Rings with the addition of his 'badass' alter-ego, Steve Steel. However, he gets more than he bargained for when a terrible being he's never heard of (because he hasn't read the Silmarillion) offers to make the fic real by sending him to Middle-Earth in the guise of his Marty Stu. Enjoy.


Disclaimer: Characters, concepts etc. are the property of the Tolkien family, New Line Cinema, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.

The Awesome Adventures of Steve Steel: Steve of the Rings

Prologue: Concerning Steve


"Steven?! Are you cleaning your room like I told you?"

"Sure thing, mom!"

Steve (he hated his full name, which only parents and teachers and other uncool people used) casually raised his middle finger to his bedroom door and the nagging voice on the other side, then returned his attention to his computer screen. He was working on a new fanfic project: a retelling of The Lord of the Rings with some improvements of his own. He hadn't particularly enjoyed those movies - they were way too long and slow - but lots of the other kids at school couldn't shut up about them. Especially the girls, who were all gaga over that blond elf dude (Steve had spent the first movie thinking the guy was a girl, which still made him slightly uncomfortable), or the wimpy midget hero, or the unshaven guy who was in love with Liv Tyler. It drove him up the wall, and he couldn't get away from it on the Internet either - everywhere on MySpace and the fanfic discussion sites he hung out on, he saw pictures of the same stupid characters and flowery declarations of love from fangirls.

Therefore, he had decided to get his revenge by writing his fanfic alter ego, Steve Steel, into the story of Lord of the Rings and showing how much better the whole thing could be. He had seen lots of similar fanfics already, but they were mostly about girls going to Middle-Earth and getting it on with Leggo-lass, or whoever. No-one seemed to have considered writing in a real man like Steve Steel. He could easily kick more ass than a gay elf, a midget and an old guy in a dress put together, and unlike that Argon dude, he would know better than to pass up the opportunity to nail two hot warrior chicks instead of just one!

Steve had spent the last few hours re-reading his other Steve Steel fanfics, including Neon Genesis Stevangelion, Steve Steel Meets The Sailor Scout Girls, Steve Steel vs. Godzilla, Steve Steel Goes To Hogwarts, Gundam Steve, The Matrix Stevolutions and his crowning moment of awesome, Steve Steel Beats Up Everyone. With his masterpieces fresh in his mind, he now had plenty of ideas for his new fic. Satisfied that he was ready to start, Steve cracked his knuckles, opened a new word processor window and began to type.

* * *

The fellowship were climbing yet another mountain and everyone was complaining about the cold and wind. “hey gandalf are we there yet??” asked Pippin. “Shut up Peragrin Took!” said Gandalf.

Suddenly over fifty orcs jumped out of hiding and started shouting arrows at the fellowship. Leglas got hit in the eye and fell off a cliff screaming like a girl. Frodo was hit twice in the back and fell over bleeding to death. The other hobbits ran away crying. An orc came over to take the ring from Frodo's body, but its head exploded before it could do it and blood went everywhere. Some more orcs ran up but all their heads were cut off too fast to see.

A huge motorbike screeched to a halt and the man in black riding it fired his pistol lots of times, mowing down more orcs. One tried to jump him from behind but he stabbed it with his samurai sword. Its heart was pierced and it died. The rest of the orcs tried to run but Boromir and Argon and Gandalf killed them. The man on the motorbike picked up the ring from Frodo's body.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” asked Gandalf. “I'm Steve Steel,” said the man, “and I'm here to kick ass and find love...and I'm all outta love. Oh, and I'm the ringbearer now.”

Original Character Profile (for if you haven't read my other fics – why not huh??)
Name: Steve Steel
Titles: Slayer of Tabris, Knight of Earth, Head Boy of Hogwarts, The Second, Ultimate Fighting Champion of the Universe
Age: 19
Description: Steve is 6 foot 5 with icy blue eyes and spiked black hair, really well built but fast, when he grins all the girls go wild
Personality: Tough, brave and chivalrus. Has a temper which gets him into trouble a lot, but luckily hes also good at getting out of trouble
Equipment: A dimenson jumping motorbike, two Desert Eagle pistols, a 20,000 year old samurai sword, a notebook full of girls phone numbers
Backstory: A warrior, lover and dimension traveller. Comes to Middle-Earth to take the Ring of Power for himself. Will fall in love with Arwin and Eowin and make them his queens when he becomes ruler of the world.

* * *

Steve looked over what he had written so far and saw that it was good, so he posted it on his blog, then decided to rest for a while. He turned on some Evanescence and went looking for Battlestar Galactica porn on DeviantArt. He was enjoying some interesting photomanips of Boomer and Number Six when his instant messaging program beeped. He didn't recognize the name of the person trying to contact him – Lord_Of_Arda. Curious, he opened a dialogue window.

Solid_Steve: Hey d00d
Lord_Of_Arda: Greetings, mortal.
Solid_Steve: lolwut??
Lord_Of_Arda: I have a proposition for you.
Solid_Steve: sorry d00d, i dont swing that way
Lord_Of_Arda: I have noted your intent to change the history of Middle-Earth.
Solid_Steve: huh?
Solid_Steve: o u mean my fic?
Lord_Of_Arda: Your language is hard to understand. Speak more clearly or suffer my wrath.
Solid_Steve: Chill, dude.
Lord_Of_Arda: You desire to make the tale of the Ring of Power more suited to your tastes by introducing your personal avatar, yes?
Solid_Steve: Um, yeah. I guess.
Lord_Of_Arda: What would you say if I told you I could make the story you desire...
Lord_Of_Arda: Real?
Solid_Steve: What, like a fanvid?
Lord_Of_Arda: No. I can send you across space and time in the form of your avatar, allowing you to personally alter the course of events.
Solid_Steve: Huh?
Lord_Of_Arda: In simple terms: you will be transported to Middle-Earth before the Ring of Power sets forth from Rivendell, and you will possess all the powers of Steve Steel.
Lord_Of_Arda: Is this not something you desire?
Solid_Steve: Well...yeah, that sounds cool and all, but...you know none of that stuff is real, right, dude?
Solid_Steve: I think you need to either stop taking whatever it is you're on or take a whole lot more of it, if you know what i mean?
Lord_Of_Arda: Speak my name and you shall know the truth of my words.
Solid_Steve: Uh, whatever. Lord_Of_Arda.
Lord_Of_Arda: Speak my true name aloud, fool!
Solid_Steve: O....K.... What's your true name, then?
Lord_Of_Arda: Clearly you are not as familiar with the annals of Arda as I had thought.
Lord_Of_Arda: My true name is Melkor. Speak it aloud and all will be clear to you.

Steve shook his head at the screen, chuckling to himself. This guy was totally nuts, but at least he was funny. Clearing his throat grandly, he called out the name on the screen. "Mell-core! Gesundheit!" He laughed momentarily at his own joke, then stopped abruptly as something very strange started happening. The walls of his room seemed to be melting away, leaving him floating in the centre of a featureless black void lit only by the monitor and desk lamp. Something moved at the corner of his eye; he swivelled his chair to look at it and promptly fell off.

"GREETINGS, STEVE THE SOLID."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Floating in the void above him was a terrifying figure, several times his own size. It was encased in battered black armour studded with jewels, and bound hand and foot with a single massive chain. Wounds and scars were visible all over its body – its hands were withered, burnt claws, its forehead scorched in a regular pattern as if it had been wearing a red-hot metal crown. Its eyes burned with a fierce, malevolent light through the pattern of scars that raked across its face.

“I AM MELKOR. YOU ARE NOW MY SERVANT.”

“Uh...w-whatever you say, um...sir?

“EXCELLENT. ALL I REQUIRE OF YOU IS THAT YOU FOLLOW YOUR HEART'S DESIRE. WHEN YOU SLEEP TONIGHT YOU SHALL BE TRANSPORTED TO MIDDLE-EARTH IN THE FORM YOU HAVE DEVISED. YOU SHALL TAKE THE RING OF POWER FOR YOURSELF AND DO AS YOU PLEASE WITH IT. DO NOT FAIL.”

The figure and the void vanished abruptly, leaving Steve sitting on the floor of his room, breathing heavily and sweating profusely.

"Steven? Who are you talking to in there?"

"No-one, mom!" Steve yelled, picking himself up.

“Do you have a girl in there?”

“No!” I wish, Steve thought. Then again, maybe soon...

“Then what was all that noise?”

God, just shut up.
“Just talking in my sleep!”

“Sleep? I thought you were cleaning your room?”

Steve declined to answer that, instead opting to swear profusely under his breath.

“Steven? You aren't...touching yourself, are you?”

“MOM!”

For once, lights-out time couldn't come too early for Steve. This was going to be so awesome! He had no clue who or what that Melkor guy was, but given what he'd seen him do, it seemed pretty likely he could deliver on his promise. He drifted off to sleep thinking of guns and hot elf chicks.

* * *

Steve Steel rode out of thin air and up the road from the Brandywine Bridge to Bree at 150mph on his gleaming black and chrome magic-powered motorbike, the wind ruffling his raven hair and blowing the tails of his black leather trenchcoat behind him. Underneath it he wore a tight black t-shirt and jeans, displaying his godlike physique. The sun glinted off the grips of the twin Desert Eagle pistols (taken from the corpse of a computer program named Smith) holstered on his belt, and the hilts of the ancient katana and wakizashi on his back (his rightful prize as victor of the Ultimate Interdimensional Fighting Championship). He lowered ultra-sharp sunglasses (a token of affection from a female giant robot pilot he had rescued and swept off her feet) from his ice-blue eyes to cast a cool and appraising gaze across the landscape. Somewhere out there was the Ring of Power, which would make him even more awesome than he already was.

Sure, the temptations of so much power were dangerous, but danger was what he thrived on. His world-hopping adventures to date had been rewarding in every way: he had slain monsters and tyrants, saved cities and planets, enriched himself with treasure and won the affection of beautiful women in a dozen dimensions. So numerous were his exploits, in fact, that he barely remembered how he had started out. He had vague memories of an insignificant life on an insignificant world, but they rarely troubled him any more, and why should they? He had gone far beyond such humble beginnings.

Steve's motorbike roared into Bree in a cloud of dust. The astonished gatewarden was knocked off his feet by the wind of his passage and left gaping after him, blinking dust from his eyes. Steve screeched to a halt in front of the Prancing Pony and waved to a hobbit he had just showered with mud from an inconveniently placed puddle.

“Hey there little dude! Which way to Rivendale?”

* * *

In the Void beyond Arda, Melkor chuckled. Atop his tower in Mordor, Sauron smiled. Across Middle-Earth, the Wise felt a disturbance, and their hearts were troubled by they knew not what.

Steve Steel had arrived. And the world trembled.

STEVE STEEL WILL RETURN IN
“THE COUNCIL OF STEVE”


Continued at fanfiction.net:
Prologue: Concerning Steve (posted above)
Chapter 1: The Council of Steve
Interlude: The Land of Eye Shadow

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